I TALK TOO MUCH!

I ran across this poem this morning written by Lao Tzu in the TAO TE CHING which seemed to have my name written all over it. It starts, Dear Julie:

No. 23

Sparing indeed is nature of its talk:
The whirlwind will not last the morning out;
The cloudburst ends before the day is done.
What is it that behaves itself like this?
The earth and the sky! And if it be that these
Cut short their speech, how much more yet should man!

If you work by the Way,
You will be of the Way;
If you work through its virtue
You will be given virtue;
Abandon either one
And both will abandon you.

Gladly then the Way receives
Those who choose to walk in it;
Gladly too its power upholds
Those who choose to use it well;
Gladly will abandon greet
Those who to abandon drift.

Little faith is put in them
Whose faith is small.


I have found myself still talking long after people's eyes have glazed over. Even when I'm sensing that I'm losing connection with someone, I talk even more rather than allow a silence to exist. I know that when I voice lots of opinions, it keeps me from taking in new information but I still persist in having my say. When I comment idly on the lives of others, I have realized that I'm subconsciously making the assumption that they don't know what they're doing and that I do. I'm not honoring (judging) the path/journey that they're on.

Even though I know that words are ultimately inadequate to express truth and beauty, I still have so much confidence in talking and not as much in silence. Then I found another poem by Lao Tzu:

No. 56

Those who know do not talk
And talkers do not know.

Stop your senses,
Close the doors;
Let sharp things be blunted,
Tangles resolved,
The light tempered
And turmoil subdued;
For this is mystic unity
In which the Wise Man is moved
Neither by affection
Nor yet by estrangement
Or profit or loss
Or honor or shame.
Accordingly, by all the world,
He is held highest.

In James 3:17 of the Bible, it says, "...the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure and full of quiet gentleness." There's that "quiet" word again. Makes me think of that old saying: Better to be silent and thought stupid than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." I remember hearing that alot from my parents. Hmmmmmmmmmm. I overheard my mother say to my aunt one day that I could make pleasant conversation with a post!

According to Lao Tzu's poem No. 56 above, this silence comes from "mystic unity". So, the stronger our connection to our Source, the more silent (or wise) we become? It's difficult to grasp with the mind, isn't it? Maybe that's why the poem encourages us to "stop your senses, close the doors".

What are your thoughts and experiences with talking too much?

RAIN

There is a place whose still heart
beats for me
calling to be exactly where I am,
here and there.
They are the same and always will be,
I have finally found.
The heart that holds me
was there from the very beginning
and followed me closer than my breath
all this long journey,
the one that teachs me,
so lost in that great heart--
a drop of rain in a rain river.

Turn around. There it is
and always will be, changing all
my stories into one.
Why did I ever think to leave
my soul's great home?
How does this life on earth
teach my very soul,
connected to all things as it is?
Do I leave home to learn
how to come home?

REAL CHANGE

We all know that diets don’t work if there’s no real attitude change. Beating ourselves up and hating ourselves as methods of change have very few long-term benefits. Eckhart Tolle and others have said, “Whatever we resist persists,” because what we're focusing on is a negative thing, a problem. Whatever we declare war on doesn’t seem to solve any problems. For example, our war on poverty--have we managed to eradicate poverty yet? Dr. Paul Farmer (founder of Partners in Health which has been active in Haiti for decades) quotes a Haitian proverb: “God gives but does share,” which he translates as: “God gives humans everything we need to flourish, but he’s not the one who’s supposed to divvy up the loot. That charge was laid upon us.”

Something needs to refocus in each of us to stop doing battle against what is as a means to bring about change. We choose to do battle because we fear being out of control of both others and ourselves. We feel unsafe and worry about the safely of those we love. We fear being in pain, uncomfortable, hungry, lost, fore-closed upon, homeless, and the list goes on.

What would happen if we accepted who we are and how the world is as a place to begin? Acceptance of what is is a way that begins with love instead of with fear, with an open heart not one clamped closed in protection. We all know that if we want to see long-lasting changes in a child's behavior, we must start by meeting that child exactly where she is first. Then, through rewarding good behavior and refraining from punishing (affirming) bad behavior when possible, a positive foundation is laid that is based on love and acceptance (a more secure place for a child).

But how do we not respond negatively to bad behavior, difficult situations, what we can’t accept about ourselves, others, and the world? First of all, becoming conscious of how fear does not work as a path to peace and change is a giant first step. The rest of the journey is one of self-reflection and contemplation that connects us with our source of peace. There will be waaaaaaaaay more questions than answers but there will also be so much support as we allow the doors of our hearts to slowly but steadily creak open. Open hearts cannot but help to catalyze change.

When we choose to be open to see the good in all things around us, our attitudes will change. When we make the choice to step back from judging a person or situation (in other words, being part of the problem), answers arise, along with the courage and wisdom to implement them.

Have you ever tried to tell someone something who thinks they already know all the answers? It’s the stalemate we see unfolding every day between the Democrats and the Republicans. I know of a tiny, grassroots program called FOOD FOR FRIENDS that feeds two meals per week to 160 people. There’s no overhead—all donations of money go to buy food. The concept is very simple—get a bunch of food and feed hungry people. No one has an agenda beyond being a facilitator to change lack into abundance. Being part of this program blesses everyone involved.

When the focus of healthcare isn’t on the people who need healthcare, but which focuses on individual gain, who’s going to be re-elected, and “what about me?”, we get a good picture of exactly what’s happening in our country. When we begin to see how every action, every attitude we live, every opinion we hold either adds to the love in the world or adds to the fear, then true change can happen.

After all, there is only one thing we can have complete control over and that is ourselves. When we choose to change ourselves—dissolve our past traumas that act as foggy filters on how we see the world—peaceful possibilities will emerge. The power of love to generate more love is overwhelming.

· Start by simply seeing the beauty in another’s face—that alone changes the expression on our own faces and, therefore, generates the connection needed to create change.
· Thich Nhat Hanh says, “Smile, even when there’s no one around”. I don’t know why that works but it does.
· Take advantage of any excuse to laugh out loud.
· Detach from the outcome of a project or situation and just get lost in the beauty and excitement of creating and who you get to create with.
· Be around kids as much as possible. Run with them, kick a ball back and forth, lick popsicles together, look right into their faces when they talk to you, let go of what’s proper and just be a kid again. Repeat.
· Do anonymous good—lots of it. You know what’s fun? Find a name in the phonebook and write them an anonymous love note: “I’m so glad you’re alive in this world, your life touches so many people.” Just imagine them reading it. How would you react to such a note? Wouldn’t it stick in your mind? Maybe you’d use it as a bookmark for a while or tape it up on your bathroom mirror. You’d smile every time you read it.

We are all such pushovers for love, aren’t we? So here we are again—love or fear. What do I want residing in me and what do I want to give the world?

Please write and tell me about how you create love in the world.

CAN THERE BE ANOTHER WAY?

What if you were given another chance at your ife? What choices would you change? Is this the life you were meant to live? Do you feel as if you are off on the wrong track, that you might be living the choices of some other people who thought they were providing guidance and instead handed you their decisions early on?

Are you accomplishing what you came here to do? Do you have any idea what that even is? How can you find out? What does it matter?

I've discovered that if I want an answer to something, I can hold that question or thought in my mind and, somehow, someway, a deeper understanding is possible. Where does the answer come from? Several years ago, as my husband was silently saying his end-of-the-day "thank yous," I asked him, "Who are you thanking?" He answered, "What does it matter?"

A better question might be: Where do my questions come from? My ego, my mind, my heart, my soul? When my intention is to have more peace and love in my life, the answer will come from that source. Henri Nouwen, in THE GENESEE DIARY, says, "People expect too much from speaking, too little from silence." It only follows that when I ask a question internally, in order to hear the answer, I must become silent--a patient, committed, enduring quietness.

There are times when the answers just do not seem to come, at least not the answers we want or expect. I am reminded, again, of what Rainer Maria Rilke admonished in LETTERS TO A YOUNG POET:

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the question now. Perhaps, then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even knowing it, live your way into the answer."

As we hold the questions in our minds, waiting to see if there can be another way to live, one that embodies more peace, we find ourselves having more compassion for the lack of peace in others. Our search for another way and the gradual opening of our hearts along the way leads us to a humbler, simpler way of living. The search itself becomes the path, the process itself evolves into the answer and, suddenly one day, we realize that our lives have changed, have become bigger, wider, able to embrace what we once found impossible.

LOVE OR FEAR--It's a Choice

What does fear look like:

• over-protecting


• over-consuming


• over-amassing


• over-drinking/eating


• over-organizing


• over-scheduling


• over-distracting


• over-reacting


• over-medicating


• over-stimulating


• complaining


• manipulating


• selfishness


• irritation

What does love look like:

• openness


• healthiness


• willingness


• forgiveness


• peacefulness


• happiness


• service


• generosity

It's a choice about whether we add to the love or add to the fear that is already in the world.

Why would we choose to add to the fear? There is only one reason: we are still reacting to past, unresolved traumas in our history. We still see the world through the filters we have created to protect ourselves from being hurt or humiliated. Our ego is in the business of keeping our fears alive and convincing us that "that's just who I am": a collection of habitual reactions to people and situations.

Every so often, we find ourselves with people or in situations where our fear response is not triggered and we get a glimmer of what it must be like to experience life fully and joyfully. It's not long, though, before the ego kicks in and starts complaining or judging or being offended about something and our moment of peace is gone.

How can we get past seeing the world through the filters of our historical fears? When you truly ask yourself that question, the work has already begun. Eckhart Tolle, in his book titled, A NEW EARTH, writes that just the act of picking up the book sets you on the path to wholeness. I've always loved the image that all we're expected to do is lift our foot and the rest of the step is taken for us--that's how much help there is waiting for us.

In my previous post, I wrote about how books seem to find their ways into our hands. That happens with people and situations, as well. When we hold the desire/question in our minds that we would like healing from past wounds, we can trust that things, people, and situations will appear in our lives: "When the student is ready, the teacher appears." Actually, even the people and situations that are already in our lives will begin to have new meaning and will challenge us to learn from them in new and healing ways.

I spent most of my life feeling disconnected and angry with my Mother for not being the mother I thought she should be. One year for Christmas, when I was in my mid-40s, I gave my Mother an empty notebook and asked her to write about her life before she was married. At first, she balked, saying "Oh, I can't do that." Then, a few months later, she handed me back the notebook with about 100 pages filled in.

When I read it, I was stunned. She innocently and without self-pity described her young life during the Depression, where she lost her father at age seven. She was the youngest of five girls and her Mother, after losing their farm, did everything from taking in washing and ironing to taking in boarders just to keep her family together. Even then, the girls had to be farmed out to relatives and friends periodically until her Mother could get back on her feet. Her only commentary was, "Everybody had it hard."

I found myself in tears at how she described her Mother coming home from the hospital and having to tell five little girls that their Daddy was dead. I smiled when she wrote about learning to roller skate on her Grandma's big front porch.

All of a sudden, she became a real person to me--she became Margaret. I felt the anger slip away and I am convinced it was because I wanted it to--I was so tired of carrying around this soreness, tired of maintaining the wall against her.

Our relationship, unbeknownst to her, changed radically for me. When all this happened, she was already going down the memory-loss lane so there was going to be no outward reconciliation, no big heart-to-heart discussion--just the inward act of forgiving both myself and my Mother.

Now, I actually look forward to visiting her and think about ways to make her final years happy ones. I don't have to slog around in that swamp of hurt feelings anymore--something had finally opened up in me, releasing me from fear and into love.

Would you be willing to share your experiences about how you resolved past traumas and how that changed the way you live your life?

BOOK TRAILS

Have you ever noticed that your choices in the books you read follow some kind of path?

Decades ago, when I was raising little ones at home in Blissfield, Michigan, I decided to keep a list of the books I read for one year. What a revealing experience! At first, it appeared to be all over the joint, then I started thinking of the events of the past year and it a pattern emerged.

I tend to have more than one book going at a time and, when it happened that one book I was reading quoted the other, I started to become more and more aware of the threads that wove my book-reading choices one to the other. I also started realizing that there was a distinct relationship to my choice of a book and what was happening externally, wondering which one came first--sometimes one, sometimes the other.

Have you ever wondered how you can browse through a library or a bookstore and come out with ONE book? How does that happen? I've heard people tell stories of how a book actually fell off the shelf and the reading of it changed their lives. Some people have told me that titles actually light up or their fingers begin tingling as they run them across the spines of books.

I started documenting these "book trails" as I wrote my second book, EARTH TRAILS-HEART TRAILS, a journal of our three-month trip around the Southwest in 2002. I found that when I made a distinct daily effort to find the connections between what I was reading and what I was living, a whole new level of seeing opened up. I found myself carrying a notebook down every trail we hiked, stopping to make notes to include later in my daily journal entries.

When I read others' journals, it's like being handed yet another map that I can overlay on my own, seeing where others explored this canyon or that deep green valley or paddled down a river I didn't even know was there. Reading journals, or first person accounts, is like being handed another life I get to live--just because someone took the time to write down their "maps". And then there's the wonderful surprise when you reach the end of a book and there's a "Suggested Reading" list--Oh, joy! It's like following a link on a website--you just never know where you're going to end up.

My Canadian friend, Marianne, publishes e-books about their travels in the west and southwest of the U.S (www.frugal-rv-travel.com). Whenever I'm missing her, all I have to do is start reading one of her books and there she is--her joyous personality, her wit, her gentle humor, her creativity, and her intelligence shines brightly from every page. I feel as if we'd just had a cup of tea together. Don't you feel that way when you hear that a favorite author has a new book out? You rush out to the nearest bookstore because you can't wait for the paperback.

Are you , like me, one of those people who check out the book titles at people's houses? More often than not, I have been pleasantly surprised and it has led to some giant leaps over the sometimes laborious territory of getting to know someone.

How do you select a book for someone else? Sometimes when I'm reading a book, I'll think, "Wow, I bet Josh would love this book." And, thus, a book finds itself going down yet another "trail".

Would you be willing to share some of your "book trails" experiences?

POWER PLAYS AND DRAMAS

Do you ever find that, contrary to your best intentions, you have once again gottten drawn into someone else's drama or power play?

Do you realize it when it's happening or not until later? Do the types of power plays that draw you in have a pattern?

How do you feel while it's happening? How do you feel later?

How does the interchange affect your relationship with that person and how does it affect your relationship with people you are with afterwards?

Do you divide your relationships into "easy" ones and "difficult" ones?

How often do you instigate the drama or power play? How do you feel when someone jumps right in with you as opposed to those who don't engage?

What do you think is the relationship between your pattern of engagement in power dramas and your stress level? How often you are ill? How often do you have a headache, stomachache , backache or just low energy?

Do you hang on to power dramas after they are over (I shoulda said...")?

How often do you catch yourself enacting a fictional drama in your head? How do those fictional dramas affect your relationship with that person(s)?

Do you find yourself wishing that you could see situations and people more clearly--not have everything filter through your history (prejudices, biases, past traumas, immoveable opinions)?

Please share your thoughts and dreams and goals--someone out there could benefit from your wisdom.