LOVE OR FEAR--It's a Choice

What does fear look like:

• over-protecting


• over-consuming


• over-amassing


• over-drinking/eating


• over-organizing


• over-scheduling


• over-distracting


• over-reacting


• over-medicating


• over-stimulating


• complaining


• manipulating


• selfishness


• irritation

What does love look like:

• openness


• healthiness


• willingness


• forgiveness


• peacefulness


• happiness


• service


• generosity

It's a choice about whether we add to the love or add to the fear that is already in the world.

Why would we choose to add to the fear? There is only one reason: we are still reacting to past, unresolved traumas in our history. We still see the world through the filters we have created to protect ourselves from being hurt or humiliated. Our ego is in the business of keeping our fears alive and convincing us that "that's just who I am": a collection of habitual reactions to people and situations.

Every so often, we find ourselves with people or in situations where our fear response is not triggered and we get a glimmer of what it must be like to experience life fully and joyfully. It's not long, though, before the ego kicks in and starts complaining or judging or being offended about something and our moment of peace is gone.

How can we get past seeing the world through the filters of our historical fears? When you truly ask yourself that question, the work has already begun. Eckhart Tolle, in his book titled, A NEW EARTH, writes that just the act of picking up the book sets you on the path to wholeness. I've always loved the image that all we're expected to do is lift our foot and the rest of the step is taken for us--that's how much help there is waiting for us.

In my previous post, I wrote about how books seem to find their ways into our hands. That happens with people and situations, as well. When we hold the desire/question in our minds that we would like healing from past wounds, we can trust that things, people, and situations will appear in our lives: "When the student is ready, the teacher appears." Actually, even the people and situations that are already in our lives will begin to have new meaning and will challenge us to learn from them in new and healing ways.

I spent most of my life feeling disconnected and angry with my Mother for not being the mother I thought she should be. One year for Christmas, when I was in my mid-40s, I gave my Mother an empty notebook and asked her to write about her life before she was married. At first, she balked, saying "Oh, I can't do that." Then, a few months later, she handed me back the notebook with about 100 pages filled in.

When I read it, I was stunned. She innocently and without self-pity described her young life during the Depression, where she lost her father at age seven. She was the youngest of five girls and her Mother, after losing their farm, did everything from taking in washing and ironing to taking in boarders just to keep her family together. Even then, the girls had to be farmed out to relatives and friends periodically until her Mother could get back on her feet. Her only commentary was, "Everybody had it hard."

I found myself in tears at how she described her Mother coming home from the hospital and having to tell five little girls that their Daddy was dead. I smiled when she wrote about learning to roller skate on her Grandma's big front porch.

All of a sudden, she became a real person to me--she became Margaret. I felt the anger slip away and I am convinced it was because I wanted it to--I was so tired of carrying around this soreness, tired of maintaining the wall against her.

Our relationship, unbeknownst to her, changed radically for me. When all this happened, she was already going down the memory-loss lane so there was going to be no outward reconciliation, no big heart-to-heart discussion--just the inward act of forgiving both myself and my Mother.

Now, I actually look forward to visiting her and think about ways to make her final years happy ones. I don't have to slog around in that swamp of hurt feelings anymore--something had finally opened up in me, releasing me from fear and into love.

Would you be willing to share your experiences about how you resolved past traumas and how that changed the way you live your life?